I remember the day I became anorexic.(2004) I remember the day I recovered from anorexia. (2009)
November 5th, 2004. Doctor’s appointment for a general check-up I had to do so I could play in my town’s volleyball team. The doctor took down my height and weight measurements. Nothing out of the ordinary. He then measured my chest, waist and hips. When he saw how much my waist measured he told me I should “lose a few kilos.” I started crying. No one had ever told me that. I was always “normal”- not even chubby. My body is very straight- narrow hips and no waist, no boobs. And he thought I should lose some weight, even though I didn’t weigh more than I should for my height. I continued crying. My mother, who had come with me, shouted at the doctor: “You are creating an anorexic child.” He did.
That was the start of a five-year battle of anorexia-induced sleepless nights, losing most of my friends, and lots of tantrums and shame. Calories were on my mind- day and night. I had absolutely no interest in fashion, make-up and boys like most of my female class mates, and wore my brother’s baggy clothes to hide my body which I thought was disgusting. This lead to my class-mates questioning my sexuality (which was non-existent at the time) and some even asking me directly if I was a lesbian (stupid homophobes- yes, homophobes, because even though they may not have insulted me, they made a very heteronormative assumption based on my clothes and lack of explicit interest in guys, thus, “othering” me).
June 25th, 2009. I was in Amsterdam, on a school-trip when I got a phone-call from my mother. My grandmother had died. My grandmother, who I had watched lose weight over two years, heard her puke every morning for a month each year when I was visiting, had been diagnosed with cancer. Cancer that was gradually eating her away and the only weight-loss method I didn’t want to try. Yes- that’s how sick I was- I even viewed cancer in terms of weight loss. I went to see her a couple of weeks before she died. She lived in a different country, the country I was born in, and where I would possibly go to university to. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go because I knew she would cook tasty food (especially desserts) for me and food=fat=disgusting. She would make me eat. Little did I know that she would die before I even graduated from high school. And this is why I recovered. I realised how sick I was, and that there are more important things in life than counting calories and finding ways to avoid food. I realised that not everything is about me. I realised that I had a life to live.
If you think you may suffer from anorexia, please seek help. I swear, life is so much better A.A. (After Anorexia).
How do I know I’ve recovered for good? I no longer get triggered.
tinyphantoms-deactivated2014022 asked: Hi, lazy yogi. :) I recently got into a pretty intense debate regarding issues I feel strongly about and I feel like I can't just get myself to come back down. Do you have an advice on how to re-center yourself so to speak, and also how to not let yourself get so emotionally 'involved' in debates? Thanks. :)
Egos love debates because one way an ego makes itself feel secure is by making someone else wrong. It is also a time during which your pain-body becomes active.
The pain-body is like a physio-emotional accumulation of past pains, judgments, identities, traumas, tensions, and the like. Sometimes a person’s pain-body lies dormant until it gets prodded awake by an argument or a life event. Sometimes that pain-body lies just beneath the surface and gets irritated by every little thing.
This experience you are having of being worked up and feeling as though you can’t come back down is actually the pain-body. It’s not a pleasant experience.
Debates are kind of like anxiety and worry. They pretend to be necessary when really they aren’t. The ego tries to convince us that debates are useful, that they are forums for real discussion and learning and exchange of ideas. But if anyone has really seen a debate, it is little more than just arguing two or several sides to something.
“I defeat my enemies when I make them my friends.” ~ The Dalai Lama
Arguing, debating, trying to ‘educate’ someone, none of this stuff will really effect a person that deeply. But it will effect their egos deeply. Hence all the emotion, defensiveness, and aggression.
If there is something you feel strongly about, don’t make it a point of contestation. Don’t put it in a forum for debate. Act on it, be charitable through it, make it a means to connect with others. Debating will not help your cause as much as you may think. But making friends through it will.
For example, when I first began my spiritual way, I thought I needed to tell and convince others about it. But really it was a way for my ego to clear its doubts—little did I know I just needed to clear the ego! However, you see it as a very common thing among many religions and paths. People feel the need to convince others in order to convince themselves. Once I found a certain degree of peace through direct experience, there wasn’t anything to convince or prove. I still encourage others but it is not a point of debate or assertion. Just love and a genuine wish for others to know peace.
To come back down, come back to yourself. Sit for a meditation. Let your thoughts be as they are, but you yourself just settle down right where you are. Wakefully, composed, at ease, watch and observe the various thoughts and feelings dancing within you.
If you are not mindful of these emotions, your thoughts tune into their frequency and you begin to think, see, and feel along the lines of their vibe. By being mindful and practicing meditation, they come and they go.
I’d highly recommend the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.